t
was the morning of September 4, 1999. I asked Grant as we got
him dressed, "Do you know where we're going today?"
He shook his head "yes" with the sweetest smile. He
now could only communicate with blinks and this small nod. When
I said, "I'm making good on my promise to you - we're going
to Secret Beach," my 36-year-old husband's eyes twinkled.
~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
ur
relationship began in 1992, when an old friend told me she had
this terrific guy for me to meet - great personality, charismatic
and charming. "I don't think it will be a love connection,"
she said, "but you'll have fun." It wasn't love at
first sight, but Grant was the most sensitive, caring, and respectful
man I had ever met. And the funniest! He always told a great
joke that I had never heard before. Three months later, Grant
was promoted and told he would move to Paris in 6 months for
an indefinite time. When I found out, I thought, "Isn't
that just my kind of luck?" I was already head over heels
in love.
e
continued our relationship during those six months, but then
he left for Paris and I was in Detroit. For 1 ½ years,
we saw each other every three months. We had international phone
bills the size of mortgage payments and phone sex that would
put the 1-900 numbers out of business. In September 1994, unable
to take the separation any longer, I quit my job and moved to
Paris. Paris really is for lovers. Where else can you experience
the majesty of the Eiffel Tower while kissing the one you love
in the moonlight? We also were able to travel to England, Ireland,
Germany and Switzerland between Grant's business trips. It seemed
too good to be true. Grant's company moved him back to the U.S.
in December 1994. We decided to live together. I knew I wanted
to spend the rest of my life with him, marriage proposal or
not.
rant began having
problems walking in spring 1995. I remember him saying, "Watch
me walk. Do I look funny?" It wasn't obvious at the time,
but his left foot dragged when he walked or ran. He decided
to see an orthopedic specialist, thinking his knees might have
been damaged from a lot of skiing, but held off until after
our long-awaited vacation to Hawaii. I was excited to see Hawaii
for the first time, but I had no idea just how special this
vacation would be.
n our first day,
Grant took me to his favorite beach on Kauai, known as Secret
Beach. We had to hike down a long, steep dirt trail, but Grant
held my hand and coached my footing. After about 10 minutes,
I saw the most vibrant aqua-blue ocean. As I got comfortable
on my towel, Grant caressed lotion onto my back. I closed my
eyes, finally relaxing in the 80-degree heat. Grant said, "I
know it's hot, honey, but you really should slip something on."
I looked up and noticed a small box on the towel in front of
me. Before I could fully focus on what was happening, he opened
the box and the most stunning, brilliant-cut diamond engagement
ring stared back at me. "Yes" was the answer. He had
shaken my world and at the same time grounded me with his existence.
I wanted to walk with him through life.
hree months later,
on a muggy day in July, Grant came into the home we had bought
as I was unpacking a box. He was unusually quiet and deep in
thought. I greeted him with a hug and kiss and asked about his
doctor's appointment. The orthopedic specialist referred Grant
to a neurologist when he found nothing wrong with his knees.
Grant handed me some pamphlets, one about Multiple Sclerosis
and the other about Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (also known
as Lou Gehrig's Disease) and said point-blank, "The doctor
thinks I have one of these diseases. They are similar in symptoms
and difficult to diagnose." It took another four months
to confirm Grant's diagnosis as Lou Gehrig's Disease. The doctor
told us it makes the nerves gradually die and no longer connect
with the muscles. Eventually, people with it become unable to
do anything for themselves and usually die within 3 to 5 years
by choking or suffocating. The cause is unknown and treatment
is unavailable. Our dreams of a long life together were shattered.
rant and I were
in the midst of planning a Kauai wedding. He asked if I still
wanted to marry him. I told him I had waited for him my entire
life and I wanted to be together for as long as God was willing.
When we married on March 24, 1996, repeating "in sickness
and in health for as long as we both shall live," our family
and friends knew the gravity and determination behind the words.
Grant's health was declining quickly. He was spending most of
his time in a wheelchair and it was getting more difficult to
use his hands. We both agreed it was time for Grant to plan
for early retirement. We had always dreamed of retiring in Kauai,
but we never dreamed we would be in our 30s. The native Hawaiians
say the island of Kauai either accepts or rejects you. Grant
and I were accepted with open arms. Everything for our October
1997 move fell into place, including an accessible home for
Grant.
ur marriage barely
was surviving the gradual progression of Grant's illness to
each different stage. It was easy for Grant and I to love each
other for all of our wonderful qualities, but the true test
was loving each other in all of our ugliness. I lost a husband,
and he lost a wife. I gained a "child," dependent
in every way physically. When Grant lost the ability to speak
clearly, I was the only person who could understand some of
his words. I knew I still loved him and would be there for him
until the end. I assured him of this time and again when he
was trying to push me away. He didn't want to put me through
all of his pain.
wo
months before Grant died, he was hospitalized with pneumonia
and then went home with Hospice. Before we left the hospital,
he made me promise I would take him to Secret Beach one last
time. Coming home was overwhelming. I was getting about 3 to
4 hours of sleep per night and Secret Beach was the farthest
thing from my mind. I finally accepted that Grant was not going
to recover from his pneumonia. He was getting weaker, losing
more of his precious energy each day. One day I said to our
good friend A.K., "We have to get Grant to Secret Beach
this week or it will not happen." She talked to some people
in the surrounding area that day and returned home with good
news. A man named Miles was a property manager for one of the
owners who had private access on the only road to the beach.
Miles understood how important this was to us, because he'd
taken care of a woman for two years who died of cancer. He said
he would try to arrange it for the upcoming Saturday, September
4, and he would call us.
rant's condition
worsened during the week. He mostly blinked his eyes to communicate
with me. I spent Friday preparing for a picnic, champagne toast,
and special ceremony. We hadn't yet heard from Miles. I told
Grant the next day would be a special one and he needed to conserve
his energy. Miles finally called Friday night at 11:00. He told
us to meet him at the gate by noon. Early Saturday morning,
I packed the cooler and picnic basket and gathered our wedding
pictures and some books from which I planned to read. I also
brought the leis I had saved from our wedding day. It was Hawaiian
tradition to toss them into the ocean wrapped in ti leaves.
If they float out and don't return, it means your love will
be as deep as the ocean and your burdens as light as the sea
foam above. Grant was having a very difficult day, with shortness
of breath and weakness. It was truly now or never. Six friends
and my assistant helped me load up the Blazer with everything,
including Grant's oxygen, morphine pump and medications. A.K.
supported Grant's head while we drove.
e
arrived at the gate a little after noon. Miles was there and
we soon were on our way down. When we arrived, we parked on
the sand. It took all of us to get the wheelchair settled in
a perfect place, with Grant's feet planted in the warm sand.
Beautiful Hawaiian music played while the picnic area was arranged.
Our wedding pictures and leis were set out; the champagne was
chilled. During it all, I could see Grant soaking up the essence
of the day.
fter a while,
I began my little ceremony. First, I made a champagne toast
to the day. Grant was able to savor a bit of bubbly. Second,
I read a beautiful prayer from Marianne Williamson's Illuminata,
to help him let go of what he could no longer control. I also
read from Shakti Gawain's Creative Visualization.
I expressed my heartfelt gratitude and love to Grant. I told
him it was okay to let go if he was ready. Then I wrapped our
wedding leis in ti leaves and cast them far out beyond the lava
rock. We watched as they floated farther away with the waves.
rant
wanted some time to sit by himself. I wondered what he was thinking
as I watched him sitting with his eyes closed. I was thinking
of the day he had proposed on that beach and about life without
him.
hen we arrived
home at 4 p.m., Grant was having more problems breathing. For
the next 3 hours, A.K. and I struggled to ease Grant's breathing.
Then, at around 7 p.m., Grant decided he was tired of fighting.
He looked me in the eyes knowingly when I listened to his lungs
and could hear they were full of mucus. I said, "Grant,
I know your lungs are filling up and I don't think there is
anything we can do." Then, all of a sudden, he gave me
several eye blinks, which was our agreed-on signal that he was
ready to leave. I held him and said, "Grant, I love you"
and kissed him on the lips. Then I said, "You go on and
get out of that body because it's not working for you anyway."
And he was released. I could feel the presence of his love and
warmth in the room.
held him for
four hours before they came for his body. I laughed and cried.
I was so happy he was free of his prison, yet so sad for myself
and others who were cheated out of more time with this wonderful
man. I called some family and friends to tell them. We lit candles
and played the same music from the beach earlier that day. I
didn't want the moment to end, because when it did I knew I
only had my memories.
~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The memories from that day at Secret Beach and the previous
5 years of dealing with Grant's terminal illness are now being
used to help others. I have developed a caregiver support service
on the Hawaiian Island of Kauai which offers healing retreats
for caregivers. For more information about our programs, please
contact me, Sheila Christianson at:
Healing Palms of Kauai
Learn more about Sheila's book "In the Blink of an Eye"...
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